I Learned How to Enjoy Being Alone

For our fourth anniversary, Shane Carter said he would take me to Disneyland to make up for the celebration we'd missed. My best friend, Sophie Lane, had a fever, but he brought her along anyway. "She's been looking forward to this for a long time. Don't ruin it for her." I looked at the anniversary cake that was already two months late and nodded. When we entered the park, the ticket attendant glanced at Shane and Sophie, then smiled and handed them two stickers. "Mr. Carter, Ms. Lane, are you doing the third-anniversary castle route again tonight? The system says you're only missing the fireworks photo to complete the set." I froze on the spot. Shane accepted the stickers without batting an eye and casually stuck one to the hem of Sophie's dress. "It's just some promotion the staff is running. Stop reading into everything." Sophie was wearing the princess dress he'd picked out especially for her. She slipped her arm through his and, clearly knowing exactly where she was going, led me straight to the back of the line. During the parade, Shane held up the camera for her. When the roller coaster dropped, she screamed and threw herself into his arms. I made just one request. I wanted to ride the carousel, but even that made Shane frown. "Aren't you always saying you're too old for this stuff? Why do you suddenly need someone to indulge you now?" Night fell, and the castle fireworks were about to begin. I'd barely reached the viewing spot I'd reserved in advance when I saw Shane standing there with Sophie's hand in his. An employee was placing an enormous bouquet of roses into her arms. "Ms. Lane, the third-anniversary fireworks surprise Mr. Carter reserved for you is all ready." I lowered my eyes to the cupcake in my hand. I'd waited in line for it. It had cost me less than two dollars. The roses in Sophie's arms covered nearly the entire viewing platform. As the fireworks lit up the sky, a message appeared across the giant screen. [May every year bring Sophie a day like this, with Shane beside her year after year.] Chapter 1 The dates on the screen began cycling from three years ago. The first year, Sophie leaned against Shane's shoulder. The second, he put a Mickey headband on her. The third, beneath the fireworks, he lowered his head and kissed her forehead. So every year I'd been disappointed, she'd been given some grand celebration. The fireworks were still beautiful, but I didn't make a wish this time. Wishes didn't come true once you said them out loud. And the only wish I had left was to leave him. ... After the fireworks ended, the crowd surged toward the exits. Sophie hugged the huge bouquet of roses to her chest. Her face was flushed with fever, but she still couldn't bear to let anyone else hold the flowers. Shane pulled her shawl more securely around her shoulders. "Let's go to First Aid and get your temperature checked." Sophie spoke softly. "But Wendy hasn't taken any pictures yet. Didn't she want one in front of the castle too?" Only then did Shane look at me. It was as if he'd finally remembered whose anniversary tonight was supposed to be. "Do you want one?" I looked at him. He was still holding Sophie's phone, the screen frozen on the photo they'd just taken beneath the fireworks. So this was the final picture in their third-anniversary route. So the day she'd been waiting so long for had started long before today. I shook my head. "No." Shane frowned. "What's wrong now?" Sophie coughed twice, her fingers tightening around his sleeve. "Shane, is Wendy mad? Maybe I should just go home. I shouldn't have come." She started to push the roses into my arms. Shane immediately stopped her. "You're running a fever. Don't make things harder on yourself." Then he turned to me. "Wendy Mercer, quit looking so upset. She's not feeling well. Just think of today as helping her fulfill a dream." "What about my dream?" The words slipped out before I could stop them, startling even me. Shane paused too. Then, a moment later, he laughed. "Aren't you the one who never believes in any of this fairy-tale stuff? Why are you suddenly begrudging her a princess fantasy today?" I tried to turn my face away. But as my gaze dropped, it happened to catch the hem of Sophie's dress. Mr. Carter and Ms. Lane. My throat suddenly felt painfully tight. When Shane saw that I wasn't answering, he reached out and pulled me to his side. "Okay, okay. Don't be like that. Once she gets her temperature checked, I'll go buy you that popcorn bucket you mentioned earlier." I froze. I'd only looked at that popcorn bucket a couple of times while we passed the stand. At the time, Shane had been looking down at his phone, replying to Sophie's messages. I'd thought he hadn't noticed at all. But somehow, he'd remembered. My heart had just begun to soften when Sophie suddenly swayed. Shane let go of me almost instinctively and caught her around the waist. "Sophie?" "I'm fine. I'm just a little cold." Shane took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders. Then he took the hot cocoa from my hand, put the straw in, and held it to her lips. "Drink a little." I looked down at my empty hand. He'd waited fifteen minutes in line for that hot cocoa. Lightly sweetened and warm, not too hot. When he'd handed it to me, he'd even said, "Your stomach's sensitive. Don't drink anything cold." Now Sophie bit down lightly on the straw and said in a soft voice, "It's just the right sweetness." Shane ruffled her hair. "Don't you always drink it this sweet?" My hands slowly went cold. So someone else had been getting the same sweetness I'd had for four years. At First Aid, the nurse said Sophie had a low-grade fever and shouldn't stay out in the wind. Shane immediately told the driver to bring the car around to the nearest exit. I followed behind them, still holding the cupcake I'd paid less than two dollars for. It had already been crushed out of shape. When we reached the car, Sophie naturally opened the front passenger door. Shane raised a hand to protect her head as she got in, the gesture far too practiced to look like the first time. I stood beside the car. He glanced back at me, his tone noticeably flatter. "You can sit in the back. Sophie gets carsick." The back seat was piled with her roses, headband, shawl, and the third-anniversary gift box. I climbed in with my cupcake on my lap, and one of the rose stems jabbed my knee. Shane noticed through the rearview mirror and reached back to move the flowers. But Sophie gently pressed a hand over the bouquet. "Don't crush them. Shane spent a long time preparing these for me." His hand stopped in midair. Then he withdrew it. "Wendy, move over a little." Outside the window, the last of the castle fireworks were still fading from the sky. I lowered my head and opened my phone. Three minutes earlier, Sophie had made a post. [Third year. Finally got the last photo.] The picture showed Shane holding the roses for her while fireworks burst overhead. Someone commented: [This looks way too much like a proposal.] Sophie replied with a shy emoji. Shane didn't explain. I opened an airline app and stared at the screen for a long time. Then I bought a one-way ticket to Southvale for three days later. There were no castles there. And no Shane Carter. Chapter 2 By the time we got home, it was already one in the morning. Sophie stood in the entryway, her face alarmingly pale. "Wendy, am I intruding on you two?" Before I could answer, Shane had already helped her into the living room. "You're staying here tonight." I looked up at him. "This is our home." "I know." His tone was calm, as if the decision were obvious. "Her fever hasn't gone down, and it's not safe for her to go home alone this late." Sophie looked at me with red-rimmed eyes. "Maybe I should sleep on the couch. I don't want Wendy to be upset." Shane frowned. "You have a fever. You're not sleeping on the couch." Then he went straight into the bedroom. When he came back out, he was carrying my white nightgown and the thin blanket I'd used for a long time. He'd bought that blanket for me the previous winter because my hands and feet were always cold. He'd told me I kicked off the covers in my sleep, so hugging it at night would help keep me warm. Now he placed it in Sophie's arms. "Make do with this for tonight." I reached out to stop him. "Not that one." A hint of impatience appeared in Shane's eyes. "She has a fever, and you're really going to fuss over one blanket?" "I'm not fussing over it." "Then what is it?" He lowered his voice. "Wendy Mercer, tonight has been exhausting enough. Don't push me into arguing with you." Tears immediately spilled from Sophie's eyes as she clutched the blanket. "Shane, don't be mad at her. Wendy really treasures her things. I know that." The more understanding she sounded, the more I looked like the bad guy who refused to give an inch. Shane was silent for a few seconds before pressing the blanket back into her arms. "Go take a shower." Sophie nodded. As she passed me, she said softly, "Thank you, Wendy." I didn't answer. Shane ran hot water for her, then went to the medicine cabinet for a cooling patch. While searching through the medicine, he casually pulled out a box of stomach tablets and set it on the coffee table. "You didn't eat anything tonight. Take two in a little while so your stomach doesn't start hurting again." I stared at the box. It was ridiculous. He knew perfectly well that I would hurt. My pain just always came after Sophie's. When Sophie came out of the shower, she was wearing my nightgown. "Wendy, this smells so nice." She gave me a faint smile. "You're still using the detergent Shane likes, right?" Shane was pouring her some water and answered without thinking. "She's used it for four years. She's been used to it for ages." I suddenly asked, "How did you know Sophie likes her cocoa warm too?" The living room fell silent. Sophie's fingers visibly stiffened, and Shane looked up at me. "What?" "Nothing." I pushed the stomach medicine away. "I just think you have a really good memory." He heard the barb in my voice, and his expression darkened. "You were making snide remarks at the park all night. Are you still not done?" Sophie hurriedly set down her glass. "Don't fight. This is all my fault. I shouldn't have worn Wendy's nightgown, and I shouldn't have drunk her cocoa." She reached for the hem as if she were about to take the nightgown off, but Shane immediately caught her by the shoulder. "You have a fever. Stop fussing around." Then he looked at me. "Wendy, what exactly do you want me to do?" I'd heard that question far too many times. Whenever he was late, broke a promise, or left me behind to go pick up Sophie, he would ask me the same thing. Somehow, the moment he did, it was as if I became the one in the wrong. I lowered my eyes and spoke quietly. "I just wanted you to remember that today was our fourth anniversary." Shane froze. Then his gaze shifted to the coffee table, where the anniversary cake, already two months late, was still sitting. I'd squeezed one side of the box until it crumpled. After a long silence, he walked over and crouched in front of me. "I was wrong." He took my hand, his voice softening. "Don't we have that appointment tomorrow to get our marriage license paperwork reviewed? I'll go with you. Nine-thirty. I promise I'll be there." I looked at him. Whenever he truly tried to coax me, I almost pathetically believed him all over again. Then Sophie gave a soft cough from the couch, and Shane immediately turned his head. "Did you take your medicine?" She shook her head. "It's bitter." He got up and went to the kitchen for honey, while the warmth of his hand still lingered in my palm. My phone screen lit up with a notification from the airline app. [Your one-way flight to Southvale departs in three days.] The screen dimmed again, and in the end, I left the ticket to Southvale right where it was in my bookings. Chapter 3 The next morning, I woke up at six. I ironed my white blouse three times, pinned my hair up and took it down again, then finally settled on the style Shane had once said looked good on me. A little after seven, he called, his voice low. "I'm on my way. I got you breakfast and black coffee, with no sugar." I tightened my grip on the phone. "Okay." Twenty minutes later, his car pulled up at the curb. I was just about to walk over when the back window rolled down, revealing Sophie inside with a cooling patch still on her forehead. She smiled at me. "Wendy, I'm just going to the hospital for a follow-up on the way. I won't hold you two up." Shane got out and handed me the breakfast. "Eat a little first. Don't take the photos on an empty stomach." I looked down at the bag. The breakfast sandwich was from my favorite place, and the coffee really was unsweetened. Then Sophie made a small sound from inside the car. "Shane, I feel like I can't catch my breath." His expression changed instantly. He opened the door and touched her forehead. "Why are you so hot?" Sophie caught his wrist. "Don't worry about me. Go inside with Wendy first. Today is important." But the more she said that, the less likely Shane was to leave. He looked at me. "Go in and take a number first. I'll get her to the hospital, have them start an IV, and come right back." I stared at him. "Shane, today is our marriage registration appointment." "I know." "If they call our number and we miss it, we'll have to make another appointment." "I'll make it back in time." He sounded certain, just as he did every time he promised me something. So I went into the building alone. They called my number three times, and Shane still hadn't arrived. Once I'd missed my turn, the clerk handed my paperwork back to me. "You'll have to reschedule." I stood there holding the documents when my phone suddenly lit up. Sophie had sent me a photo. Shane was standing at the hospital counter with his head lowered as he paid her bill, while his phone rested on her lap. She'd added a message. [Wendy, I'm sorry. Today was supposed to be such a happy day for you two.] Shane finally arrived at twelve forty. There was sweat on his forehead, but he was still carrying a bouquet. "Traffic was bad." I didn't take the flowers. I simply handed him the crumpled number slip. "We missed it." He was quiet for a few seconds before putting the bouquet into my arms. "We'll make another appointment next week." I laughed. "You make it sound so easy." "Wendy, it's only a week." "To you, it's only a week." I looked up at him. "But I've waited four years for this day." His expression turned cold. "Wendy Mercer, don't use getting married to force me to choose sides. She was sick. I wasn't going to leave her alone at the hospital." I put the flowers back in his hands. "Then why could you leave me here alone?" He had no answer. A few seconds later, he reached for me. "Okay, okay. I'll have lunch with you, and this afternoon we'll go to the bridal shop and look at dresses. Didn't you say last night that you liked the satin one?" I stepped away from his hand just as my phone lit up again. Sophie had made another post. In the photo, Shane was bent over tying her shoelace, the hospital corridor lights falling across his shoulders. The caption read: [Some people aren't your boyfriend, but they make you feel safer than a boyfriend ever could.] Our mutual friends were teasing her in the comments. [So who's the real Mrs. Carter?] Sophie didn't reply. Shane saw the post too, but his first reaction wasn't to explain. Instead, he reached over and turned off my screen. "She's sick. Don't go giving her a hard time." I looked up at him. Something seemed to close around my chest so tightly that even breathing hurt. "Shane, I haven't said a word." "But I know what you're going to say." He sounded tired. "Wendy, don't make me feel like marrying you is going to be exhausting." I stood there stunned. For four years, I had given way one step at a time. How had all that giving way somehow turned me into nothing but a burden in his eyes? Shane immediately seemed to realize how harsh his words had been. His lips moved. "That's not what I meant." I looked down at the number slip, crushed beyond recognition in my hand, and suddenly didn't want to explain anything at all. "It doesn't matter anymore." I placed the slip in his hand and walked away. He didn't come after me, and I didn't look back. Chapter 4 When I got home, the living room lights were still on. A new cake sat on the table. This time, the chocolate plaque read, "Happy fourth anniversary, Wendy. Don't be mad anymore." Shane stood beside the dining table and pulled out a ring box. "I went too far with what I said today." The ring was a style I'd once casually mentioned liking. So he remembered after all. Why did he always wait until I'd been disappointed beyond measure before bringing these things out to coax me? I turned my head away and ignored him. After a moment of silence, Shane opened the ring box for me, his voice softening. "Trust me one more time. Next week, I promise I won't be late." Then his phone lit up on the table. Sophie had sent him a message. [Shane, everyone's calling me a homewrecker in the comments.] [I really can't take this anymore.] [Is Wendy still mad? Could she say something for me?] Shane immediately turned off the screen. I looked at him. He avoided my eyes and closed the ring box. "Make a post. Just say we couldn't get the paperwork done today because you weren't feeling well." I gave a small laugh. So that was what this was about. He wanted me to clean up Sophie's mess for her. I pushed the ring back toward him. "I'm not posting anything." Shane's expression darkened instantly. "She has a review for a public-service campaign tomorrow. If this gets around, it could seriously affect her. "Wendy Mercer, don't make this uglier than it needs to be." He came over and gripped my shoulders. "Post one sentence, and everything stays the same. The wedding photos, the ceremony, the courthouse appointment. I'll explain things to your mom myself." The moment he mentioned my mother, my chest tightened. "What did you tell her?" Shane looked away. "She asked me this morning for the courthouse photos. I told her you were upset and decided to reschedule at the last minute." I went rigid. The night before, my mother had spent hours going through old photo albums, asking whether I wanted to wear the red cord bracelet my grandmother had left me. She'd said getting legally married was something to celebrate. It shouldn't feel lonely. But according to Shane, I was the one who'd gotten emotional and canceled at the last minute. "What gave you the right to tell her that?" His expression turned cold too. "What was I supposed to say? That Sophie got sick, so I took her to the hospital and left you alone at the county clerk's office?" "Wasn't that exactly what happened?" "Does every truth have to be said out loud?" His patience finally snapped. "Wendy, we're adults. We should know how to spare each other some embarrassment." I looked at him and suddenly found the whole thing almost funny. He protected Sophie's dignity. He protected his own. Mine was the only humiliation he kept using to cover up everyone else's mistakes. I picked up my phone from the table. Thinking I'd agreed, Shane's expression eased slightly. "Just keep it simple. Don't make it sound snarky." Right in front of him, I opened Sophie's post and read through the comments beneath it. [So who exactly is Mrs. Carter supposed to be?] [Three's a crowd, and somehow the actual fiancée looks like the third wheel.] [She was sick. Isn't your fiancée being a little petty?] Standing beside me, Shane lowered his voice. "Once you post it, I'll take you to that breakfast place you like." I looked up at him. "Shane, I only have one question now. "What if I don't post it?" The gentleness slowly disappeared from his face. "Then we'll put the wedding on hold." My phone vibrated in my hand, but suddenly I couldn't bring myself to look at it. "Say that again." "You're not in the right state to get married right now." He looked straight at me, speaking each word clearly. "I don't want to come home every day to a wife who treats Sophie like an enemy." The ring box was still sitting on the table, and the frosting on the cake had already begun to sag. Suddenly, I remembered the first time Shane held my hand four years ago. He'd told me, "Wendy Mercer, I'm protective of my own. If anyone ever hurts you, I'll be the first one to stand up for you." I wondered if the Shane who'd said that four years ago would find the man standing in front of me just as unfamiliar as I did. When I still didn't move, Shane pushed my phone toward me. "Post it." I stayed still. His voice hardened. "Wendy Mercer, don't push her until she breaks down." I looked at him and suddenly couldn't even see the point in arguing anymore. I'd sat alone at the county clerk's office for three hours, humiliated in front of everyone there, and he hadn't said a single word in my defense. Now he wanted me to cover for Sophie. I picked up my phone. Shane stood beside me and watched as I typed each word. [We couldn't complete our marriage paperwork today because I wasn't feeling well. It had nothing to do with Sophie.] He glanced over it. "Add one more thing." I looked up at him. "What?" "She's just a friend." I lowered my eyes and added the line. [She's just our friend.] For one absurd moment, I almost couldn't believe it. I was the one about to marry him, yet even my hurt had to step aside for her first. The moment the post went through, Shane visibly relaxed. "See? Was that so hard?" Sophie's call came almost immediately afterward. She was crying so hard she could barely catch her breath. "Shane, people are still calling me a homewrecker on my page... I'm really scared..." Shane glanced at me. "I'm coming over right now." I asked quietly, "You're leaving again?" "I need to deal with Sophie's situation first." "What about me?" His hand paused on his coat. "You stay here and calm down." I laughed. "Shane, I am calm." He either didn't understand what I meant, or he did and simply didn't care. Before leaving, he pushed the ring box back in front of me. "I'm leaving the ring here. "When you've straightened out your thoughts, you can put it on yourself." The door closed quietly behind him. But inside me, the last thing still holding together shattered completely. I didn't hesitate again. I changed my flight from three days later to that night, deleted the post, turned off my phone, and left with the suitcase I'd already packed. Before boarding, I checked my phone one last time. No calls from Shane. No messages either. Good. This time, I wasn't going back.